Feb 23rd

Feb 23^rd  

Wow how time flies. Who would have thought, making positive changes would be so time consuming. Monday thru Friday I work. After work I spend time with my family. Tuesdays and Thursdays we go to the gym. Wednesday is still family night and we get pizza for the boys. Watch a movie and just hang out. Last week JC had to work for Valentine’s Day. We had to spread our alone time over a few days. I use to look forward to Valentine’s Day, but not so much anymore.

I tried to continue writing in this blog every day. As much as I would like to say this month is going by without a hitch, but that would be a lie. The strange thing is now paying close attention to the last entry and today’s date I am taken aback. It all makes so much sense to me. I am sure by the end of this entry it will make sense to you as well.

6 years ago in the midnight hour of February 4^th my Mom was out of town visiting some family. She was awoken by an excruciating headache. By 1am she had woken almost the whole house with her cries of pain. Unsure of what to do my Aunt called 911 as they waited for the ambulance my family tried to comfort her. The only thing that seemed to calm her down was when they woke up my Daughter and brought her in to see Mom. When she gazed upon her only Granddaughter her pain seemed to seize a bit. Or just maybe she did not want to frighten her being that she was only 13 years of age.

When the ambulance arrived and started taking vitals and checking for symptoms it was said they were concerned with her retinas reaction to light. They felt it was best to take her by ambulance to the ER. At first no one knew what was going on. The hospital was trying to contact Moms next of kin. Being that my grandmother lived very close by, they called her.

By the time I was notified that Mom was in the hospital it was already several hours later. I was in the process of moving and my phone had not been transferred to the new address yet. My Aunt had to get directions from my daughter to come find our new place (which is part of the reason I always have a cell phone now). I receive a knock on the door mid morning and I open it to find my Aunt with tears in her eyes telling me something happened to Mom and she was in the hospital and was possibly already in surgery. The surgery would take 8-10 hours so I should be able to be there before she comes out.

Needless to say my mind was racing. At first I wasn’t sure if there was an accident, I did not know if my daughter was okay or not. But then my Aunt stated something happened only to Mom. She had a headache and it got really bad. Later I was informed Mom had suffered a brain aneurysm. No one had any definite answers. Statistics were not very good and every medical case is different.

Mom came out of the surgery but was in a drug induced coma. There was so much going on within her brain the doctors felt it was best to keep her heavily sedated. They were having a hard time controlling her ICP (intracranial pressure) the 10^th night in ICU Mom suffered 2 strokes. Both might as well have been massive with the damage they caused. 1 stroke attacked her whole right side of her brain and the other attacked 20% of the left which was the area where our motor skills are controlled. Nothing could be done.

The doctors stated due to the damage caused by the strokes her brain was swelling, they offered to aggressively remove the parts that were most damaged and no longer functional in order to keep her alive. As the doctors spoke my Brother and I stopped them. We told the doctors we were not going to put our Mom through anymore. Mom use to always make us promise if a machine had to keep her alive we would not be selfish, we would let her rest in peace.

So on the 11^th day of her hospital stay we called all our family and gave them the option to come and pay their last respects. We had one request and the hospital obliged. We asked if we could all go in together. There were about 25 people present. They allowed it. We prayed for her stepped out of the room so they could disconnect the ventilation machine.

We were given the option to come back in after which most of us did. We all sat there with her and within about 20min she began her ever restful sleep. Services were held on February 22^nd 2005. Mom was only 54 years old. She had 3 children and 7 grandchildren.

February has been a very difficult month for me ever since. Normally I do not handle it well at all. This year after Mom’s Birthday which would have been in January, I decided to make positive changes in my life. I decided to do my damndest to handle things more positively. For the most part it seems to be working. If I had been writing in the last two weeks I am not so sure if I could have remained as positive as I had been.  Everything happens for a reason and something kept me from writing for a reason.

I will continue to search for a positive way to get through the ever lingering pain.

I love you Mom.....Then, Now & Always.... I love you!

Feb 8th

I continue to notice how, my changing things about myself affects those around me. This past weekend was amazing. JC usually works weekends but due to the Superbowl his boss gave him the day off to spend with his family. Being that JC usually works during the time I am not working I never make plans to visit family out of town during the weekend. JC had this great idea to go to the Bay Area to see my eldest Brother. I was so happy and excited I cried when he told me we were going.

My eldest Brother is one my most favorite people in this world. I have always looked up to him. Yes, when we were children we picked on each other like there was no tomorrow. Now that we are older we have a great relationship. We do not get to see each other as much as we would like but we deal with that the best we can.

I honestly doubt there are very many people who meet my Brother who don’t just love him. He is a very personable person. When you are around him, you just get this amazing feeling. Have you ever seen a famous person you were a major fan of? You know that feeling of just being in awe of that person? That is the feeling my Brother makes you feel when he is around. I am one of his biggest fans.

He has always inspired me. I have thought a lot about him and our Mom. They are two of the reasons I decided to start changing myself for the better. Do not get me wrong. I am making these changes more for myself than anyone or anything else but they have given me reasons to want to change. When Mom was here, she loved me and was there for me no matter what. If I made a mistake she helped me to see it and move on. My Brother is not asking me to change.

You see my eldest Brother, we all call him Blue. It is a long story but basically he is a poet and he uses the name Blue when he writes. He is this amazing person and within the past few years his health has taken a turn for the worse. He has to do dialysis 6 days a week and has survived a couple of really intense hospital stays. He is only 43, which I feel is way to young, but life is what it is and we deal with it the best we can.

With his health being what it is. I have offered to donate a kidney to him. In a heartbeat I would give him anything. I want to help him and I need to be healthier so I don’t find myself in the same situation one day. If I take better care of myself, eat healthy and exercise more often, I will be a healthier person.

Helping others to stay positive and healthy is one of the best gifts you can give…..

Feb 4th

This past week has been a pretty interesting one. With all these small changes I have started to make, I have noticed changes in those around me. I realized my family has been ready and waiting for some of these changes. It just took me getting out from behind the pain and the hint of depression to actually see it.

JC, the boys Jay and Milo are all really excited about going to the gym. JC loves going to the gym. He is usually the last one working out and would rather stay longer. We get home and within a couple of hours he wants to go back again. He is already starting to eat better and he feels better about himself, which is great.

We also noticed Milo’s attitude has started to change towards JC and I. Milo is the youngest of my three children and tends to have somewhat of an attitude. We can still put him in his place but he does try to push the bar as far as possible. Not lately though. Well not for the past couple of days. He has acted so much cooler with all of us. We think it is because just maybe he sees JC and I making an effort to be fit and healthy and well maybe he respects that. We are not 100% sure but whatever it is, we are enjoying it.

Jay is spending more time with us. He is usually pretty busy with his girlfriend, watching movies or playing his video games. Lately he has been hanging out more with JC and I. He has gone with us every time we have gone to the gym and will even go with us shopping from time to time. He should be graduating from High School this year and he has started to do extra credit work to ensure that he does.

I have even notice a slight change in Muneca, my Daughter who does not live with us. She has noticed some slight changes in me, now that I am taking extra efforts to take better care of myself. Her, and I have talked on the phone a few times this week. There are times she tends to be a little upset with me, but not here lately. If anything we are talking more and getting along better than we have in a long time.

Normally I do all I can for my children and sometimes it may not be the best thing. I tend to treat them with kid gloves and try not to upset them too much. I have found now that they are teenagers they do not respect that as much as they did when they were younger. They really do not need the mommy to kiss their booboo to make them feel better. Now they want and need a stern parent who shows their anger from time to time. I get that and I am making the necessary changes to be the parent they and I need me to be.

Sometimes one needs to change things they never anticipated……

Feb 3rd

Since I decided to make changes, I have noticed as I change more and more, little things just seem to be going rather well. Better than expected. I feel as if I smile more and sometimes even laugh more. Taking care of one’s self feels really good. It amazes me.

We have gone to the Gym twice so far this week. We spend about 1 ½ hours there when we go. Our plan is to go 3x a week. So far we are right on track. It has been so long since I had actually gone and worked out in a gym. I like it. I cannot wait till I get into better shape. I am sure it will take some time, a lot of hard work and of course the willpower to make it happen. I am willing to put forth the effort.

It is strange how making one decision can have such an effect on a person’s life. I made the choice to change things in a positive way and since then the changes I have made have truly touched my life in so many different ways. Going to the gym has helped me feel better physically, emotionally and over all just feel better about myself. Being more positive has helped. I think I just get along better with those around me.

I never doubted I was a strong person. With all the trials and tribulations I have faced during my life have helped me to realize early on, I was not a weak person. Of course we all have weaknesses but being a weak person and having weaknesses are two very different things. I am thankful for every aspect of my past because it has all helped me become the person I am meant to be.

Now I am becoming an even stronger more positive person and it is strange because I have realized I can express my emotions a lot better and it is just easier to do so now. I know pain can cause depression if one allows it to. I know I allowed it to in the past. That is one of the major changes I have been working on. I do not want my pain to make me depressed. I want to be strong enough to express my emotions when in pain. Cry if I need to, talk about if I need to or just write about it.

As I have mentioned before this time of year is usually really hard for me. I have allowed it to be hard on me in the past. Today is a brand new day and I will be strong enough to deal with the pain. I am taking all the energy from the pain and using it positively. I can sit and cry when I am reminded of the day Mom passed, I can cry when the pain of missing her is too great to bear. I can smile when I remember to good times. I can just be thankful for the time we had with her and cherish every memory.

I sit back and know even after she is gone she still inspires me to be a better person by doing the right thing even if it is the hardest thing to do….Sometimes the right thing to do is just to make a few changes...

February 1st

Trying to analyze one’s life can be complicated. Looking at every single thing you do and figuring out if it is positive or not is not as easy as it may seem. Something I do may feel positive to me but in turn can have a negative effect on someone else. For example trying to help someone deal with whatever problem they have could in turn hinder them from becoming the strong person they need to learn to be on their own. Who is to really say one way or the other?

Every single day I evaluate everything. I contemplate whether things are positive or negative. Of course I take what I assume is the positive option. Looking back, there are times when I thought I was helping and actually found it hurt someone else. Now I find myself trying to look at things from different perspectives before I proceed. Some may think it is taking it a bit further than necessary but I feel it is needed.

I am doing my best to be there for my family, do what is right for them and also do what is right for me. I know I put others first more often than I care to admit. Do not get me wrong it is not a bad thing that you put others before you but it is a bad thing if you *always* do it. That is something I am most definitely working on changing. I will never become a selfish person but I am working on learning to put myself first sometimes. Do something special for me for a change. It is not as easy as it sounds. For those of you who tend to put others needs ahead of your own, you know exactly what I mean.

I want others to see me as a nice, caring and reliable person. Most would love for others to view them that way. I also want to be someone who treats themselves with that same respect. I want to be nicer to myself, care for my well being, I want to be able to rely on myself too. In the past I have put myself through so many obstacle courses, tried jumping through so many hoops, and at times have taken the wrong path knowingly. No more, this change has been gradually setting in over the years. Now I am just more focused on making sure it changes completely for the better.

My eyes are wide open and I am taking in the view from all angles. I am noticing every aspect. Changing everything would be ridiculous and unnecessary. Some things have no need for change. Those other things that definitely require change, will in fact be changed….sooner rather than later.